The Salvation Navy

This holiday season I was asked (or rather commanded) by my Rotary Club superiors to take responsibility for arranging two days worth of Bell Ringers for the Salvation Army. I gladly accepted the responsibility. I lost a bit of my naivety that day, as I had romantically pictured noble volunteers simply signing up to ring the bell each holiday season (the actual picture I had in my head was of inmates from the county jail being allowed to ring the bell as a reward for good behavior...but I can hardly say that here...can I?). Little did I know that ringing the bell amounted to the typical arm twisting that normally goes with volunteer work. After a bit of market research, I determined that the best way to secure volunteers for the cause was a massive email campaign. After the job was done, I have had many requests to make the emails available. Some of the text has been changed, and I have included a few links to help with the references to specific people (and to help the newcomer with my particular brand of humor), as well as make it more applicable to a general audience. Enjoy.

Letter #1

My Fellow Rotarians:

Tis the season for giving, and more importantly, tis the season to remind others to give. There is no better way to both give, and remind others to give, than by signing up for the Annual Bell Ringing at your friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart. We need 8 benevolent souls to ring the bell for 2 hours apeice.

Who among you is willing, yea and able to dedicate 2 hours, even 120 minutes to this cause on the 6th of December? This will be a Saturday. What better way to celebrate Spain's Constitution Day than to give of your time.

Or if Saturday does not tickle your fancy, consider Sunday, the 7th of December, a day that will live in infamy, as your day of giving. Birthday to Terrell Owens (fitting), Larry Bird (not-so-fitting), and instant replay in sports (you can't make this stuff up people!)…you will celebrate in style as you ring, ring, ring your way into people's hearts.

If you found this message amusing, providing you with a recess of welcome relief so often needed on Monday mornings, please consider donating of your time and bell ringing talent to fulfill our Club's obligation. If, rather, you found it quite annoying, there is but one thing that you can do to stop the madness. Put your name on a time slot, and I will remove you from the recipient list.

Holiday Cheers,
Chris Ringer

Letter #2

My Fellow Rotarians:

I express my gratitude to those who have volunteered thus far in the bell-ringing endeavor. For those of you who have been waiting with baited breath to see if the "prime-time" spots were filled before you could get to them, I assure you that you may still have the opportunity to ring, but you must act fast if you want to secure the "sexy" spots.
I understand that Jared Francom needs but one more male to round out his barbershop quartet, and that this quartet will be singing "Carol of the Bells" for their entire two-hour assignment, Jared's gang has requested that the Salvation Army provide a bell that rings in the key of C-flat (yes Jerry, C-FLAT!). Let me know if this sounds like a good fit for you and I will put you in their time slot.

As December 7 is the anniversary of the bombing of Pearl Harbor, I have made the request that the Rotarians on duty be allowed to change the sign to read Salvation NAVY. I will keep you posted on the status of this request. They have given tentative approval for our volunteers to wear Hawaiian style clothing, but Wal-Mart insists that the following brand names not be worn: Tommy Bahama®, Tailorbyrd®, Maui Jim® and Carhartt®.

Also, please refrain from calling every volleyball that leaves the store "Wilson!" I guess this was a problem last year.

There has been much speculation regarding the tempo of the bell ringing. Many of the "old-timers" recall that in their youth, the bell ringing was much slower, and they attribute the new, rapid ringing style to the "fast-paced" techno-lifestyle. Let me assure you that this is NOT TRUE. The bell is being rung at the same tempo as always in accordance with Salvation Army Regulation § 42-4-401 (a metronome is available upon request). Your impression that the ringing is faster is your subconscious trying to tell you that life is passing you by.

I have also made a request for a Debit Card machine as many of today's cyber-shoppers do not carry cash.

Please sign up. We have 5 spots left. If you have no preference as to when, please just volunteer, stating any time you cannot ring. Tis the Season.

We have all four spots remaining on Sunday the 7th, and one spot remaining on the 6th. The Salvation Army would like my list back today if possible. But don't think that holding out will make the emails stop.

Letter #3

Close your eyes. Picture day turning to night. As you look around you, you see the sights, you smell the smells. You hear the brash rattle of shopping carts.

You see the apathetic look of the Wal-Mart greeter who checks the gentleman in the suit to ensure he has a receipt for the four-dollar Styrofoam cooler in his cart, while the shoplifter walks right on by, probably with an iPod, and drops a quarter in your tin.

You see shoppers coming and going, each of them refusing to make eye contact, afraid that you are judging them. You smile that wicked smile, knowing that you are.

You feel the glare from the employees as they shuffle in and out. They envy you, because in two hours you get to go home.

You pretend that your eyelids are little trash compactors, squishing each car as it drives by, except the Hummers, man we still like the Hummers.

But now the melodic whispers of the greeter are starting to take their toll on you. You find yourself mumbling things like, "welcome to Wal-Mart!" and, "is that a return?"

All the while you ring the bell. like a siren song it pulls the people in. You come to the stark realization that it is you and your bell, not low prices, that are bringing the throngs to market. They hear your call and they come. Such power over the mortals, such divine leadership must not be entrusted to just anyone. You will lead them. You will show them the way to low prices.

One ringer to rule them all, one ringer to find them, One ringer to bring them all, and into Wal-Mart bind them.

You are who I have entrusted this assignment to. You know who you are. Arise and make yourself known.

There is a place where peace abounds aplenty. A distant hill in a far off land. Where poetry and prose, are like waves crashing against the coast, tumultuous in their relationship, yet somehow existing in perfect harmony. Everything has its equal, everything its match, and everything has a season. For one among you, the season soon cometh in which you will come to accept your destiny. You will find this place of harmony only after you accept the call.

There is but one spot remaining. I cannot entrust such power to anyone but you. Heed the call. send forth your acceptance to me.