Official candidacy announcement (Thanksgiving Day, 2011)
Today I would like to officially announce my candidacy for President of the United States. My first act will be to end the pardoning of any turkeys. They make me feel hungry before the meal, and guilty after. They deserve no pardon. I will post more policies in the weeks leading up to the Iowa caucuses.
My stance on airlines and TSA is as follows:
1. We will no longer be allowed checked bags or carry-ons.
2. We will arrive at the airport and remove all clothing (in a private changing room) and wear government issued hospital scrubs.
3. Ticket prices will be drastically reduced due to the decreased need for advanced security and lower fuel requirements.
4. Airports will increase the availability of shopping in what would formerly be the baggage claim area (no bags...remember)
5. Flyers can purchase clothing and goods upon arrival with the money they saved on their now-reduced plane tickets.
6. Items purchased on the trip which the traveler wishes to keep can be shipped home. A collateral benefit to this plan is the salvation of the United States Postal Service.
Also: Club soda will be banned from all flights. Seriously, every time I fly somebody in my immediate vicinity orders club soda. Who drinks club soda? If it is true that one in six (the ratio of people around me) drink club soda then why does it not have a more commanding presence in the soft drink aisle of our grocery stores? I've checked with pepsi and coke distributors and they are baffled. I have asked stewardesses and they notify the sky-marshall. Something isn't stirring the kool-aid.
My stance on illegal aliens:
I feel the MIB program is doing an oustanding job and feel they should continue to operate with complete autonomy and minimal oversight as the strive to keep our planet and galaxy safe.
My stance on socialism:
I am all for it. I believe each American has the god-given right to be as social as they want to be, or alternatively to live like hermits.
My stance on the situation in Egypt:
I feel that over the years America has shown profound support for Egypt. Ambassadors such as the Bangles and Brendan Frasier have helped us overcome stereotypes about the Egyptian people. Without their efforts to break down myths, the Egyptian people would likely still be viewed as non-mummylike who walk the same way as you or I.
As your president I promise to follow the trend set by these pioneers of tolerance and understanding. I will continue to extend the hand of international support to the dancing un-dead people of Egypt.
My stance on Community Service:
Recently I was asked how I felt about giving back to the community. I admit I was taken aback by this question. I did not expect to encounter the dirt-digging and mud-slinging this early in my campaign. So I guess it is time to address the issue head on:
YES I stole a bunch of stuff when I was a kid. YES I am still making restitution payments, or "giving back" (or whatever they are calling it these days...) I admit it was a mistake. But when you are young and passionate about G.I. Joes and don't have a lot of money, sometimes your conscience takes a back seat to common-sense. I have admitted my wrongs, and will continue to give back to the community until the judge tells me I'm paid up. I am also paying for that stupid Use Your Illusion II cassette that I just had to have for that awesome song from Terminator 2).
I feel that the mistakes of my youth have molded me into the man I am. And when I say molded I do not mean plastic molding, like those awesome G.I. Joe figures. I mean molded like a jello mold, which allows for much more flexibility. I apologize to my constituents and my loyal supporters. I know you will stand by me regardless. And knowing is half the battle.
Call for retraction
I have been asked to retract a statement in which I eluded to the fact that Ronald McDonald was a white-faced pimp.
I stand by my words.
My stance on ninjas in the military:
I feel Ninjas should have a place amongst our military, and likely have already infiltrated its ranks undetected. The problem is Ninjas tend to operate unseen and unheard. They like secrecy and anonymity. In addition, it would likely make many of our non-Ninja military uncomfortable knowing that they are serving with cold-blooded assassins of the Shinobi. As your president I would propose a policy allowing ninjas to join the military without disclosing their status as Ninjas, nor would any military be allowed to inquire as to the Ninja status of any member. I would call this policy "don't-ask-don't tell-so-nobody-needs-to-die-by-shuriken"
Resting on the campaign trail
I am taking a break from the campaign for the weekend. It isn't all kissing babies and photo ops. Being creative with the accounting of my campaign funds is hard work.
My thoughts on Afghanistan:
I think the people in Afghanistan have two things dreadfully wrong with their situation--
First, they have a difficult battle attempting to bring democracy, peace and order to a people who are unfamiliar with such adjectives being used to describe government. (I can relate as I too have a hard time using any of those same words to describe my own government)
Second, they have pretty crappy attitudes about the whole thing, especially for a country producing all that heroin. Lighten up dudes!
My answer: Send in Tim Tebow. He will take a crappy situation, get them to think positively, then he will proceed to run the show with crazy ideas and half baked schemes that will somehow magically work. Then we can truly say the work is done and then Tim Tebow can load all the troops on a boat and swim home, pulling the boat by the anchor, which he will hold in his teeth.
For those wondering, Tim Tebow has yet to throw his support behind my election campaign.
Official symbols and slogans of the campaign:
My campaign team and I have been working around the clock, and we are happy to announce the following as official symbols of the campaign:
Official Ringer Campaign Christmas Show:
Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas (now available on Netflix)
Official Ringer Campaign Slogan: "It is with much embarrassment that I return" (Google the phrase to figure out where it came from).
Official Ringer Campaign Soft Drink: Coke II a.k.a. New Coke.
We have also received word that the following celebrities are endorsing my candidacy: Scott Baio, the Diabolical Biz Markie, one of the members of the Blue Man Group, and that kid who threw a fit when his mom shut down his World of Warcraft account.
Thank you for your continued support.
Damage Control
I have recently come under a lot of flak for officially endorsing New Coke (or Coke II) as the campaign soft drink of choice. As many of you know I have an affinity for Mexican Coca-Cola. However, as I am campaigning for President of the United States, I feel it is pertinent to endorse local products...even if it the drink has been out of production since 1985.
There are many victims of the coca-cola marketing snafu who still feel the long term effects of what they deem as a betrayal by a trusted American company.
It is my hope that, as your President, I will be able to create an environment where both new coke and classic coke can coexist in harmony.
I will admit that I plan to continue my own personal consumption of Mexican Coca-Cola until such a time as the campaign is financially able to locate and purchase a stash of new coke.
Thank you for your support.
"It is with much embarrassment that I return"
Official Ringer Presidential Campaign Slogan
I am Chris Ringer, and I approve this message.
Grassroots Support
I feel it is very important to support the local politicians as they campaign for office in their respective jurisdictions. For this reason I have decided to periodically answer questions submitted by those candidates out stumping for their cause.
Alan Bloomsfield who is running for the School Board in Genesee County Michigan writes:
How do you keep your hair so perfect?
Good question Alan, first, you have to be born with perfect hair, like me. If you can do that, the rest is easy. Good Luck!
Call for retraction
In the most recent debate, I made some claims that, upon analysis by my staff, turned out to be untrue. I have decided to preemptively retract certain statements made by me:
STATEMENT: "Oompa-Loompas ARE real people and I promise to win the vote of every one of those little pumpkin-faced dudes."
Apparently its called "beta-carotene toxicity" and I offended some people.
STATEMENT: "I don't see what the big deal with taxes is, I have avoided paying taxes through both republican and democratic administrations and I am doing just fine."
As part of a plea agreement, I am required to retract this statement.
STATEMENT: "As president, I would hire all of those 'Occupy' people and put them to work for the IRS."
As part of the same plea agreement, the IRS is dropping charges in exchange for an agreement not to hire the 'Occupy' people. Sorry dudes. I tried.
STATEMENT: "Even if global warming was real, it only benefits me and my property interests in Wyoming...So who cares if California goes under water?"
I am renting. So I have no property interests in Wyoming. The rest of the statement is true.
STATEMENT: "Mitt, you look like hell dude...you need some sleep buddy."
No retraction here. The Ringer Campaign rolls on.
Little Known Facts about your candidate:
As different candidates try to reinvent themselves, I thought it appropriate to remind my voters of some of the lesser known facts about their favorite Presidential front runner:
1. I have taken 16 taekwondo lessons. This helps my ability to defend our country, and also gives me a special respect for ninjas.
2. I own a pair of tap shoes. This shows my position on the arts, as well as my ability to keep items around long after their usefulness has passed. (this should provide relief for IRS employees worried about voting for me)
3. I was once a certified lifeguard, which shows my ability to look important and useful, despite paying no attention to what is going on around me (important for budget meetings...if any other candidate pretends to care about those meetings they are lying).
4. As the proud holder of an undergraduate degree in psychology, I actually got a job in the field after graduating, which demonstrates my ability to make money out of something that is basically worthless.
5. I did get an F in a college level Shakespeare class. Which demonstrates my ability to walk out of any situation I deem to be waste of time.
Vote Ringer for President!!!
Grassroots Support
I feel it is very important to support the local politicians as they campaign for office in their respective jurisdictions. For this reason I have decided to periodically answer questions submitted by those candidates out stumping for their cause.
Craig Berkowist, running for the County Comptroller in Bergen County, New Jersey writes:
Q: You seem to always have the perfect answer to any question asked...Do you have any tips for fielding tough questions?
A: The trick is to simply ignore tough questions and pretend you were asked a different question, one which you have a better answer for.
(And just between you and me Craig, this is also a handy way to beat a polygraph. That little tidbit of information may come in handy if you are planning a career in New Jersey politics ;)
Taxes--who to tax, what to tax, etc:
Tax is always a hot-button subject. My overall view is that taxes should come from sources of guaranteed income...One example is what I would propose as the "addiction tax"
Phase 1:
Initially I would propose increasing taxes on items such as cigarettes and alcohol as they have a high level of addiction and people will pay whatever it takes to get it...benefits include:
--Revenue for the Nation
--Fix for the addicted
--Companies can simply pass the cost on to the consumer.
--Health problems resulting in increased medical revenue
--Addicts likely work beyond the age of retirement to feed the habit (again--revenue for the nation)
--Early death means less payout by social security
Everybody wins.
Phase 2:
Legalize other addictive substances and tax the HELL out of them. I will call this one 'Proposition METH'. Meth is a multi-billion dollar industry, and very little of that money goes through the government coffers. We want in on that action. I have garnered a lot of support for this proposition, but most of the supporters are itchy and have no teeth....some have lost the right to vote, and the rest I doubt will show up at the polls.
Please note that I am not the first to tax addictive substances, I am simply the first to cast off the false pretense proposed by both of the prior administrations that it is done to dissuade people from drinking or smoking. I am taking advantage of addicts. If you don't like the idea, at least respect the honesty.
Grassroots Support
Barb Askon of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania (running for Jefferson County Coroner) asks:
How do you stay so calm on a big day such as a primary or general election:
Great question Barb: Preparation and hard work are the answers. By rigging the election weeks prior to the big day, it allows for a no-stress, care free day as the votes trickle in.
For all of my Iowa constituents: TODAY is the day. Go join your delegation and make your voice heard! then join us for the victory party. I expect that upon my landslide victory tonight that all other competitors will concede as defeated husks of corn...little left to go on....I expect all of them to throw their support behind the Ringer train which will gather steam until it overtakes the nation! The rivers will flow with the blood of the non-believers!
Withdrawal from the Election (January 3, 2012 - after the Iowa Caucus results came in).
It is with reluctance that I am withdrawing from the 2012 Presidential Campaign. In hindsight I should not have allowed Justin Bieber to endorse me. While he brought throngs of adoring, enthusiastic fans, my staff overlooked the fact that none of them are of voting age, including the Bieb. And while the initial popularity makes me hopeful for 2016, I fear that all of the female fans he brought will fall prey to NKOTB Syndrome, disavowing all allegiance to Bieber and anything associated with him within three years. I am afraid my political career is over. On the bright side, because I didn't spend any of the money donated to my cause on advertising, I will likely be in a sweet new ride no matter who occupies the White House for the next 4 years.
Wow, that's all I can say, Wow
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